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Baby Booer Asks DL

PeaceOf Mayhem Ask DL Hobby Help Kid Conundrum

Dear Ms. Lemonade,

I have a terrible habit of scaring toddlers and babies. It started out innocently enough - what kid doesn't enjoy a game of peek-a-boo? It only took the look of one terrified child to keep me chasing the dragon. 

Little ones BEWARE! The welcoming smile, the kneeling down to your level, the "oh sweet baby" in my gentlest, smiling voice.... then SUDDENLY: BOOOO! 

It's a damn fun rush, but over the last few months I have noticed that I am not getting invited to as many family functions and my friends are quite pissed that I would make their precious ones cry. 

​Please help, I wanna go back to being the fun Aunt/Friend before the pulse of psycho kicked in. How do I stop just before scrunching my face into a grotesque monster and diving in for the scream that bursts eardrums? 
Sincerely, 
​Baby Booer

Greetings Baby Booer!

I am totally amused by your hobby! So many people share your disgust for happy babies. This might even become a trend, and yet - here you are wanting to redeem yourself with your family and friends...

This will take self control. It will take discipline. You will need to be extra sweet, loving, and gentle. You will have to cultivate kindness for all outward appearances. You will never be able to be openly annoyed by a fussy baby the way other people are. Everyone must believe you have had a change of heart. Once the deception is complete, you wait.

Timing is everything. When no one expects it (and there are no witnesses other than baby) push, pinch, and harass the little one. Knock the bottle out of their mouth, you know, whatever feels appropriate. Babies cry all the time for irrational reasons.

This really is a win win. Your compulsion to make the baby scream is fulfilled without taking any of the blame. Of course, you may generate a general distrust in the child, but we all need something to talk about in therapy!
Best Wishes!
DL


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