Dear Disco Lemonade,
My daughter is convinced she is the next Taylor Swift. I love her so much, but even I know she's completely tone deaf. She has been spoiled at every turn, so she is selfish, difficult and unpleasant at even the best of times.
So with no talent and no personality, I am dreading the day she decides to put all the voice coaching, dance classes, and music lessons to the test. What should I do?
Reluctant Stage Mother
Many of us have faced a similar dilemma with the very ones we love most. A wannabe chef who can't cook, but we choke down the food experiments anyway, for example.
I say ignore the truth at all cost. If she's criticized or told no, you just come back with "they're just jealous" or "some people can't accept real talent when they see it because they are mediocre".
Never back down, never give in!
Disco, Disco, Disco.
I am at the point in my career when I am thinking of retiring. There are no more pay raises, positions to move up to, or conquests to make. The challenge is over. Any suggestions on what I do next?
Your Loyal Fan,
Bored in the Boardroom
I am thrilled at the prospect of giving you the spark that leads to your next adventure! I am under the assumption you've set aside plenty of support yourself. It is in that spirit I say:
- Buy a piece of land and invite the first 20 people into an all-out battle to the death - last person living gets the land.
- Invest in illegal drugs and start a cartel.
- Open an acrobat school for people over 60. Parlay that into a geriatric circus famous for your outrageously revealing costumes.
- Write your memoirs and share even the smallest detail of your life for posterity.
- Try out BDSM for a year.
- Find the occasional high stakes poker game and go for broke.
- Collect milk jug caps and turn them into colorful mosaics for friends and family.
- Join an underground fight club. Make sure it's the bare-knuckle kind or it isn't worth the effort. Take in 100 stray animals.