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Faithful Friend & Soft Serve Ask DL

PeaceOf Mayhem Ask DL Relationship Advice

Dear Disco,

I am a female in crisis! A good friend is recently single after his 20 year marriage ended in divorce. He's dating someone who is not in love with him, and not right for him. He recently asked for my opinion and I skated the issue to avoid upsetting him, or hurting his feelings. It is hard to shed light on reality for someone in the throws of passion! What should I do? 
Your Loyal Reader,
Faithful Friend

Darling Faithful,

Guys love being taken advantage of - for some reason. Encourage him to give his all to the relationship. I'm sure he's getting plenty out of it and, who knows, she may actually turn out to be a wonderful person. He may inspire her, with his devotion, to love him, in the end, I'm sure she'll shape up and you will see the value she has brought into his life.
In the meantime (as his friend), get involved as often as possible and make every effort to point out all her flaws when you're all together. That way he can't say you never said anything when things potentially end.
As Always,

​Dear Disco,

Im just not ready for kids, my ol lady is want'n to spit something out of her love hole soon but I feel like I still wanna enjoy not being responsible for a living being and having to shape their mind and conform them to what I can tolerate for the next 18 years or until they are removed from my coustity whatever comes first.
 -Soft Serve

Hello Soft Serve!

This is tricky business. Ask yourself before we go forward HOW badly you do NOT want a child. This will be an elaborate scheme, complete with cover-up, and work (on your part) is required. For anyone willing to play this out, let me begin.
The first step is telling your lady whatever she wants to hear. Be loving and supportive to whatever extent you are comfortable. I have no skill for this, but I'm told guys have been doing it much of their lives, so work your magic. 
Second, suddenly get invited on an "all guys weekend away (or camping trip)". It has to be something you and your buddies would actually do. Make her aware of the time line and preparations you need to focus on. It should be a - leave early morning Thursday, get home late afternoon Sunday - kind of trip.
Third, secure time off work, schedule the vasectomy for Thursday, reserve a hotel/motel room through Sunday, schedule a cab to pick you up at your hotel Thursday morning and another to pick you up after your appointment the same day.


Pay cash all weekend. Do NOT allow the hotel to charge the room to your card. Guys forget: she will look through every transaction - date, time, and location because she's always secretly trying to catch you lying. Pay for your physician procedure, cab, hotel, and recovery supplies in cash NO MATTER WHAT! Do NOT use your insurance to pay your doctor. that is the ONLY way to maintain this deception.

The last step is getting packed for the occasion you are pretending to leave for, complete with tent stakes. Any slip and she'll sniff you out like a $2 hooker. On the day do buy snacks, drinks, ice pack, etc (in cash), check into your hotel room, and drop supplies and whatever you need from the car off in your room. You won't want to have to do it after, I promise. Take cab to appointment. Take cab back to hotel, and rest.
You are set to return shooting blanks! Now all that may seem excessive to you: for the half-assed approach, may I suggest getting a hot tub and switching to briefs. That should help lower the odds of pregnancy, at least. Whatever you do, always suggest that it is her womb rejecting your seed!

Good Luck!!

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