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Bad Advice Column

WARNING: This column is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice given should NOT be followed under any circumstance, obviously.

Disco Lemonade dishes Bad Advice to inspire you into new levels of disarray. Ask DL your burning questions! You may be her next victim of Bad Advice!

Bad Advice Column Disco Lemonade

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Sizzling Salutations Lost Souls and aspiring-to-be Lost Souls!

Hope to be helpful with these random pieces of unsolicited advice, summer style! If you've sent me questions I will be sure to address them the moment I return from vacation and will feature the best and most interesting in the August edition! Thanks for hanging in there!

 

Disco Lemonade

1 - Dehydration is a serious issue this time of year. Drink plenty and remember: alcohol counts!

2 - Hosting a backyard BBQ is a great way to bring your friends and family together. Don't worry, these things plan themselves. No one actually eats or sits down, so ice, beverages, and a few hot dogs off the grill (for the die-hards) is all you really need. Play music loud enough that guests parking on the street can easily find your house. A suggestion from personal experience: always be the one to start the water fight.

3 - Up for an adventure? Try one of these sure fire ways to keep hiking exciting. A: Spontaneously go alone. Leave your phone at home and head out on a trail unfamiliar to you. When you've been hiking about an hour, leave the path and let nature be your guide! B: Take a hiking virgin with you. Pack all your favorite drinks in a cooler you carry between you on the trail. Cheers!

4 - Embrace the adage: The tanner you are the whiter your teeth look. Simply set aside one day a week when you can spend 3-4 hours soaking up the sun. There's no need for sunscreen when you're covered in coconut or baby oil.

5 - Relaxing at the public pool should be considered a last resort for cooling off on a hot sunny day. If you must go, stand out in your new speedo or teeny tiny two piece. Demonstrate your superiority by doing a few yoga poses. Spend the next 10 minutes ranking those around you by beauty and body type. Once everyone recognizes your status as better than them, by respectfully averting their eyes, dive in! Note: peeing in the pool myths may be ignored. Pee is harmless when mixed with high levels of chlorine. It is sterile after all!

Make the best of a questionable choice by combining #4 and #5 so you can have a plausible explanation for being at the public pool.

*July 2017 Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

Dear Disco Lemonade,

This is kind of an awkward confession to make. I just started hanging out with this guy. He's alright and I thought I liked him, until he kissed me for the first time. It was the worst first kiss I've ever had. What should I do?

Sincerely,

 Kissed by a Frog

Hello KBF,

You must get honest with yourself... was it him or me? If it was him - again you need to ask yourself... Do I really like him or not? If it is him and you DO like him, you'll have to tell him. I suggest the sooner the better. I would do it all blunt and just say "I would like to kiss you again except it was so bad last time". When the shock wears off you may find your new guy want to practice, so be ready!

Good Luck!

 D.L.

Dear Ms Lemonade,

I work for a corporation with very strict conduct guidelines. I am retrained on them once a year as are all the employees. The other day I was spoken to in a way so foreign to me I thought I'd imagined it, but then it happened again today. I think I'm being sexually harassed. What should I do?

Yours Truly,

 Seriously Scared

Greetings SS,

I don't know. This is a tough one. It's probably nothing. Maybe if you ignore them it'll go away.

Hope that helps!

 D.L.

*June 2017 Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

Oh Ms. Lemonade,

I desperately need your advice. There is this person at work who I am attracted to. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I recently came to understand that they feel the same way about me. Our conversations have gotten longer and more personal. We ran into each other outside of work and neither of us introduced our spouses or acknowledged each other. Then at work they brought up seeing me. The intensity is increasing. What should I do?

Your Reader,

 Possibly Panicking

Greetings My Panicky Reader!

 No worries! You can ignore it and hope it goes away or you can set up a seemingly innocent get together and bring condoms. Safe sex is the cardinal rule when dabbling outside your monogamous relationship! When you question what you are doing, remember that you are only human and humans sometimes choose to make love and not war!

You've got this!

Disco Lemonade

Dear Disco Lemonade,

I am thinking about leaving my job. I don't have anything new lined up yet, but I do feel like I need a change. What should I do now?

Sincerely,

Confused Co-Worker

Hello CC!

Ooo! Just do it! Quitting jobs is one of my favorite things! It is perhaps one of the most liberating and potentially scary things you can do spontaneously! My suggestion is - do it quick, like ripping off a band-aid. Once the job is gone, take your time finding something new. Enjoy your new won freedom! What is money anyway?

Good Luck!

D.L.

*May 2017 Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

Dear Disco,

I am hoping you can give me some dating advice. I am being told all kinds of things: work on yourself, actively try to date by using dating sites, stop worrying about it all together.

What should I do?

Dizzy Dater

Hello Dizzy!

I can tell you spend more time thinking about this than the average person. Stop thinking.

If there is one thing the opposite sex hates about a potential mate it is, a mind of its own. Instead start doing whatever everyone else does. This will make the field of potential partners much bigger, and then any ol' soul will do! Take the first interested person and follow their lead. You'll thank me when you're celebrating your 10th anniversary with who ever was there at the time!

Wishing you all the best!

D.L

Dear Disco Lemonade,

I have been too shy to ask for advice, but now I feel if I don't, it may be too late. I am a loner in a city with very little single night life. I want to make new friends, but I am not outgoing or friendly. HELP!

Lonely Lion

Dear Lonely Lion,

I think it is time to face reality. There is no hope for you. Maybe online in a chat room, but not out in the real world. Give up before you begin. People are just too jaded and selfish to welcome someone like you into their lives.

I am sorry.

D.L.

*April 2017 Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

Dear Disco Lemonade,

I asked you for advice about a year ago and it blew up in my face! What am I supposed to do now?

Your Disgruntled Reader

Hello Again!

Um, the opposite of whatever I told you, obviously! Try using logic and then do something reasonable and I'm sure it'll all work out fine!

Better luck this time!

D.L.

Dear Disco Lemonade,

It was my birthday on Friday. Instead of spending the weekend celebrating with my wife (as I had planned to do), she left me with the kids and went on an overnight trip with her girlfriends. I am hurt, angry, and completely baffled by the double standard I just realized is happening in our home. [i.e. - she would flip out if I took an overnight trip with the guys and would divorce me if it was over her birthday weekend.]

How should I proceed? 

Thank you for your thoughtful advice,

Humble Husband

Hello HH!

 Let me start by saying "Happy Birthday!" Your position is a difficult one, but I think we can get you back on track! In situations like these I rely on a phrase you may recognize: Turn about is fair play. It is time for you to take a little vacation. Perhaps alone or with the guys, whatever will make you happiest. Do not ask when a good time would be, just set a date and go! If you find your marriage crumbling when you return you may let it go - or seek counseling, whichever suits the way you feel.

Either way, you've stood up for yourself and that is what really matters!

I wish you the best,

D.L.

*March 2017 Monthly Mayhem Newsletter.

Dear Disco Lemonade,

I have a co-worker I've only spoken to once, but I have the strongest urge to walk up and kiss him. What should I do?

Your Adoring Fan,

Compulsive Kisser

Hello CK!

I appreciate your situation. This one is tricky because when the juices start flowing it is difficult to know what to do.

I recommend walking up, kissing him, followed up with a dramatic slap to the face, then fleeing the scene tearfully. That way it appears to be Him perpetuating whatever has gone on between you. If anyone asks just say "He knows what he did." What have you got to lose?

Your Humble Friend,

D.L.

Dear Disco Lemonade,

I am being given the opportunity to take scholarships for two very different things at very different colleges. I have been offered a scholarship to play basketball at a traditional school that loves its sports programs. The other scholarship is to a liberal arts school for game and computer design. Which one should I accept?

Yours Truly,

Stuck and Waiting

Dear Stuck,

Welcome Youngster to the first of many adult decisions you will be making without a full understanding of the impact it will have on your life. The college road is a bumpy and uncertain journey. I say "Do Neither"!

Find some work and save some money. Then take the next two years to travel and party; expand your social awareness before it's too late! You may even become an educated and deeply satisfied person!

Of course, there is no telling where any particular path will lead...

Best Wishes!

D.L.

*February 2017 Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

 

Dear Disco Lemonade,

I feel as though I am getting fat & lazy. What should I do to get started?

Your Biggest Fan,

Really Ready

Happy New Year R. Ready!

Thank you for making me a part of your team! Before you truly begin may I suggest asking around if other people think you are fat & lazy. Chances are this is all in your head. If you do intend to continue...

First, pick a crazy diet that is 30 days or less. Make sure it is something you will have to constantly plan ahead for. Keywords: low fat and/or non-fat.

Second, when making up your exercise routine be sure to choose the most boring and painful things you can. The misery means it is working! Be sure to over do it the first few times so you can let your body know you mean business!

Third, talk to your doctor about getting on the "orange" pills, no the "blue" ones.

Fourth, keep your ego in check by commenting on your lack of progress and using the nickname "Fatty" when referring to yourself. 

I know you can do it and I am positive you will feel fit and motivated just by reading this!

Best of Luck!

D.L.

Dear Disco Lemonade,

What do I do about a co-worker who is slightly stalking me?

Worried at Work

Hello Worried!

This one is tough. Are you sure they are stalking you? Enlist a buddy to watch from afar and see if they can catch the person in the act. If you both conclude that it is for real, take advantage of the situation!

Try out new dance moves or pick up lines on them. Ask their opinion on your outfit or hairstyle. Leave items you no longer want or need in places where they can find them to take them as tokens of your affection! Ask them to do things for you that you don't feel like doing.

Dismiss any real connection between the two of you to other people, while they are there. Be sure to use the phrase "my stalker" when talking about them to others. Give them a copy of your house key just in case you lock yourself out, you know they'll be the fastest person you can call! Who knows, you may even become real friends!

Have a fantastic 2017!

D.L.

*January 2017 Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

Disco,

What to do, that Hot guy @ work, fu Christmas?

Bourbon Street Shorty

Hey Shorty,

Dating at work (I think that is where you were indicating) is always a great idea. If it works out you see each other constantly, every day - yeah!

If it ends (and sometimes it can get super ugly before it's over) you won't have to explain every time you turn around WHY you two broke up, everyone will already know. And BONUS you will know who your true friends are in every level of the company!

As it is the Holidays, I say make a big bold move and tell them how you feel preferably in public - then they'll feel the pressure to please the crowd by reciprocating and that always goes well!

I hope I gave you the confidence to get the guy, because if you go into that scenario with any hesitation, you're sunk..... I mean HAVE FUN getting the guy!

Happy Holidays,

D.L.

*December Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

Dearest D,

Should I skip xmas this year? (Everything hinges on your answer)

Sincerely,

Ima Waiting

Hello Ima!

Definitely!

Have a joyous Non-Holiday!

D.L.

*December Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

 

Dear Disco Lemonade,

The holidays are on there way and I'm really not very fond of my father-in-law. How would you recommend that I deal with this moron during an extended period of time? Please help me out!

Sincerely yours,

Son-in-Blah

Dear Son-in-Blah,

This time of year can be difficult, especially for close relationships with people you don't like. There is an expectation of peaceful interaction and good will that some folk take advantage of at familial type gatherings.

My basic advice is sit close to them and attempt listening to whatever they choose to say. After a minute or two, when they pause, just say "Ah. I don't think so." Your disagreement will shock and unnerve them into changing the subject or moving. If they want to engage in an actual discussion your reasoning behind disagreeing doesn't have to be logical or factual. That's what makes opinions so great! Just a "That doesn't sound right to me" is all it takes.

Happy Holidays! Good Luck!

-DL

*November Monthly Mayhem Newsletter

Bad Advice's 5 Quick Tips

1. Never say "I'm sorry" first. Duh.

2. "If you don't, someone else will" are words to live by.

3. People don't care about or need manners anymore.

4. Never tip more than 10%. Only then will the corruption end!

5. Vote "Yes" for all of the judges on election day.
*Published in August 2016 Monthly Mayhem

Dear Disco,

"Independence Day" has me reflecting on all things stars and stripes. I fully believe in the Rights our Nation was created to protect. But I am dismayed. Everywhere I turn people are snapping away selfies of destruction - ignoring politicians shouting idiotic agendas. Who will reign supreme the next 4-8 years?! How do you suggest the Bold and Brilliant stay Brave during the decline of the free world?
Tortured,
​Up All Night

Dear All Nighter,

You certainly are enthusiastic! You will need that gusto in the more difficult parts of the apocalypse. I have given this a lot of thought and I feel I can't fully answer your question. Your worry is just and you can see that with every news broadcast and cautionary tale online.

It doesn't hurt to get prepared. You will feel more confident if you get someone with survival knowledge to mentor you. Walk into any emergency preparedness store and they can point you in the direction of someone in your local community who shares your desire to get something done. There are also online groups dedicated to connecting lots of people working on their end game.

OR, Take a deep breath, accept the inevitability of political and environmental decline , and let it happen. It's WAY easier if you stay entertained. There are a million ways to switch off your brain, everyone is doing it! Turn on the electronic entertainment of your choice and forget that the world crumbles around you. You'll be at peace in no time!

Yours Truly,
​DL
*Published in July 2016 Monthly Mayhem

Dear Ms. Lemonade,

I have a terrible habit of scaring toddlers and babies. It started out innocently enough - what kid doesn't enjoy a game of peek-a-boo? It only took the look of one terrified child to keep me chasing the dragon.

Little ones BEWARE! The welcoming smile, the kneeling down to your level, the "oh sweet baby" in my gentlest, smiling voice.... then SUDDENLY: BOOOO!

It's a damn fun rush, but over the last few months I have noticed that I am not getting invited to as many family functions and my friends are quite pissed that I would make their precious ones cry.

​Please help, I wanna go back to being the fun Aunt/Friend before the pulse of psycho kicked in. How do I stop just before scrunching my face into a grotesque monster and diving in for the scream that burst eardrums? 
Sincerely,
​Baby Booer

Greetings Baby Booer!

I am totally amused by your hobby! So many people share your disgust for happy babies. This might even become a trend, and yet - here you are wanting to redeem yourself with your family and friends...

This will take self control. It will take discipline. You will need to be extra sweet, loving, and gentle. You will have to cultivate kindness for all outward appearances. You will never be able to be openly annoyed by a fussy baby the way other people are. Everyone must believe you have had a change of heart. Once the deception is complete, you wait.

Timing is everything. When no one expects it (and there are no witnesses other than baby) push, pinch, and harass the little one. Knock the bottle out of their mouth, you know, whatever feels appropriate. Babies cry all the time for irrational reasons.

This really is a win win. Your compulsion to make the baby scream is fulfilled without taking any of the blame. Of course, you may never generate a general distrust in the child, but we all need something to talk about in therapy!
Best Wishes!
DL
*Published in June 2016 Monthly Mayhem

Dear Disco,

I am a female in crisis! A good friend is recently single after his 20 year marriage ended in divorce. He's dating someone who is not in love with him, and not right for him. He recently asked for my opinion and I skated the issue to avoid upsetting him, or hurting his feelings. It is hard to shed light on reality for someone in the throws of passion! What should I do? 
Your Loyal Reader,
Faithful Friend

Darling Faithful,

Guys love being taken advantage of - for some reason. Encourage him to give his all to the relationship. I'm sure he's getting plenty out of it and, who knows, she may actually turn out to be a wonderful person. He may inspire her, with his devotion, to love him, in the end, I'm sure she'll shape up and you will see the value she has brought into his life.
In the meantime (as his friend), get involved as often as possible and make every effort to point out all her flaws when you're all together. That way he can't say you never said anything when things potentially end.
As Always,
D.L.
*Published in May 2016 Monthly Mayhem

​Dear Disco,

Im just not ready for kids, my ol lady is want'n to spit something out of her love hole soon but I feel like I still wanna enjoy not being responsible for a living being and having to shape their mind and conform them to what I can tolerate for the next 18 years or until they are removed from my coustity whatever comes first.
                                                                                                                    -Soft Serve

Hello Soft Serve!

This is tricky business. Ask yourself before we go forward HOW badly you do NOT want a child. This will be an elaborate scheme, complete with cover-up, and work (on your part) is required. For anyone willing to play this out, let me begin.
The first step is telling your lady whatever she wants to hear. Be loving and supportive to whatever extent you are comfortable. I have no skill for this, but I'm told guys have been doing it much of their lives, so work your magic. 
Second, suddenly get invited on an "all guys weekend away (or camping trip)". It has to be something you and your buddies would actually do. Make her aware of the time line and preparations you need to focus on. It should be a - leave early morning Thursday, get home late afternoon Sunday - kind of trip.
Third, secure time off work, schedule the vasectomy for Thursday, reserve a hotel/motel room through Sunday, schedule a cab to pick you up at your hotel Thursday morning and another to pick you up after your appointment the same day.

This NEXT part is VERY IMPORTANT!

Pay cash all weekend. Do NOT allow the hotel to charge the room to your card. Guys forget: she will look through every transaction - date, time, and location because she's always secretly trying to catch you lying. Pay for your physician procedure, cab, hotel, and recovery supplies in cash NO MATTER WHAT! Do NOT use your insurance to pay your doctor. that is the ONLY way to maintain this deception.
The last step is getting packed for the occasion you are pretending to leave for, complete with tent stakes. Any slip and she'll sniff you out like a $2 hooker. On the day do buy snacks, drinks, ice pack, etc (in cash), check into your hotel room, and drop supplies and whatever you need from the car off in your room. You won't want to have to do it after, I promise. Take cab to appointment. Take cab back to hotel, and rest.
You are set to return shooting blanks! Now all that may seem excessive to you: for the half-assed approach, may I suggest getting a hot tub and switching to briefs. That should help lower the odds of pregnancy, at least. Whatever you do, always suggest that it is her womb rejecting your seed!

Good Luck!!
​D.L.
*Published in May 2016 Monthly Mayhem

Dear Disco,

Lately I have been feeling stuck. I am discouraged, but I don't want to become completely depressed. What do you recommend?                                                                                                                        -Stormy Weather

Greetings Stormy!

Most of the time these things work themselves out for me - life is rarely dull for long. In the case of prolonged monotony, I think. Close your eyes and visualize the situation. Dissect it into tiny bits, dwelling on the most painful parts. Make a mental list of all the injustice and who is responsible for each one. Let the feelings of desperation wash over you until you almost can't bear it, then text or call one of the people involved and openly blame them for how difficult things are for you right now. You'll be feeling good as new in NO time.

All the best,
D.L.
*Published in April 2016 Monthly Mayhem

Dear Disco,

I am hoping you can shed some light on my dilemma. I have always been super independent and love to travel. 6 months ago a judge took away my license for driving under the influence. That has put a huge damper on my social life and I am sick of paying to ride the bus. Help!
                                                                                                             -Lonely and Lost 

Have no fear, Lonely and Lost, ​​Disco Lemonade is here!

I have the perfect solution for you! Rely on the kindness of strangers. Accept rides from anyone willing to pick you up. Carry a sign to hitch hike '70s style, letting helpful motorists know you're in need. The bonus to this is: you will meet so many new people, expanding your social circle every time you go somewhere! The warnings of rape and robbery are seriously overstated. So go ahead and stick out your thumb with confidence you will get where you need to go unmolested. Enjoy the journey!
​                                                                                                                                      -D.L.
*Published in April 2016 Monthly Mayhem